I Felt HaPpy

I felt happy last Night I cant describe how was that happiness , I have been smiling when I was sleeping that was for first time. I couldnt hide that but all that happiness there is stil a Fear from losing that Moment Again but Never Mind I would like to live every moment of happiness without thinking of a fear even If I know that I would lOes It. I would Like to Never forget this Moment..Thanks 4 made me happy

One PersOn Could Change Your Life withOut any Reason..

مرة وقع طائر في غرام وردة بيضاء . وقرر أن يصارحها بحبه ، ولكنها رفضت . وقالت أنا لا أحبك . فظل يصارحها بحبه بشكل يومي . وأخيراً قالت الوردة البيضاء : عندما يصبح لوني أحمر سوف أحبك . وفي أحد الأيام أتى الطائر وقطع جناحيه ونشر دمه على الوردة البيضاء فتحول الوردة البيضاء الى حمراء فاعندها ادراكت الوردة كم احبها الطائر ولكن بعد فوات الاون .. وذلك يجب علينا الا نضيع لحظة مع شخص الذى احبنا و عندها سوف نندم بان اضعنا شخصا قد مت من اجل حبه لنا

الغريب بان انسان يجرحة اقرب ناس لدية.... والشخص الذى يبكيك هو نفس الشخص الذى يفرحك .. هذة مجرد كلمات نسمع بية و لكن هل هنالك من يشعر بيها.. قد سئمت تلك الكلمات التى لااعرف الى اين سوف تنتهى والى اين سوف تاخذنى كل شىء فى هذة قد ذهب بعيدا مثل اوراق الخريف الصفراء التى تتسقط على ارض تحمل الف قصة و كل قصة تحمل جرحا و عذاب و الم ... قد وجدت طريقى و لكن محمل بى فصول السنة, حياتى اصبحبت فصول و كل فصل يحمل معه جرح ... اين انا من هذا الجرح ..قد وجدت نفسى ضحية الكذب و الخداع.. و الغريب بانى اكذاب على نفسى و لااعرف اين انا من هذااااا... كل يوم يمر و العذاب يزيد و اشتاق الى تلك اشياء الصغيرة اعرف بان كلماتى قد تكون غير مفهومة اوغمضة كم يقول البعض,ولكن قد يعلم شخصا واحد بما اشعر لانة هو نفس الشخص الذى قد قتلنى بدل مرة الف ..

شخص فى حياتى .. قد تكون هذة حالة غريبة او هو مرض لم اعرف ماهو بعد ,وفى بعض احيانا استغرب ما افعل و اقول هل هذة انا او غيرى قد سئمت من نفسى وبما افعلة بى نفسى .. سوف اعود الى هذا الشخص ..سوف اتكلم عنة ولكن بطريقة التى استغربت بيها عن حالى .. قريب منى اشعر بانة جزئى الثانى الذى طالما بحثت عنة ولكن بعيد عنى قد تبعدنا البحار و محيطات و القارات و لكن من قبل لم اشعر بان تلك البحار و المحيطات قد تبعدنا .. قد كانة نقول بان شخص واحد اى ان هو انا و هى انا هذى يعنى بان روحا واحدة تعيش فى نفس العالم وجميل بانى اتنفس ومزالت اتنفس ذلك الهواءمع تلك الروح ولكن تلك الروح بناء عليها حائط من الم و العذاب و الكذاب ..قد تكون كلمات غريبة بحار و محيطات و الحائط من الكذاب ولكن قبل هذا قد كان حلما جميل طالما حلمت بيه ولكن ما من حلما يدوم يجب علينا ان نتستيقظ و نعيش الوقع الذى هو الخش و الخدع .. من اقبل قد احرقت كلماتى التى لم اعرف من اين جاءت ربما بانى عرفت بان تلك كلمات غير واقعية وبان الواقع هو الذى اعيشة هو الوقع بان اى شىء جميل سوف يكون حلم ولن يدوم ..

الغريب بان كل مانبعد نشتاق اكثر والذى عذابنى بانى اشتاق رغم بانى لا اريد بان اشتاق فى بعض احيانا اشعر بان هذا شعور مرض و من الصعب التخلص منة .... اليوم قد كانت رياح عتية رغم بان الفصل هو فصل الربيع و البارد القارص قد شعرت بان كل جزء فى جسمى متجمد . هذا البارد قد كان مثل بارد الشوق و الحنين الى شيئا بعيد عن دفاء و الحنان تلك هذة الاشياء قد اصبحت متجمد و باردة قد نست معنى الدفء ...

ماذا تفعل عندما تعلم بان كل شىء جميل لن يعود وبانك سوف تعيش حياة ملئية من الشوق و الحب وبارد وعدم شعوربى الدفء وكل شىء سوف يذهب عكس التيار؟؟ لماذا أحمل فى قلبى ذلك الشعور الغبى الذى معنه الضعف .. اعرف بان

كلما زدا فى عمرى كلما زدا العذاب وامل

من الصعب ان يفهم الانسان مشاعر غيرة ومن الصعب ان تحب ومن اصعب بان تعشق انسان بعيد ابعد حتى من البحار ومحيطات .. الحب شىء جميل بس اجمل لو كان مش مرض انا اشعر بان الحب مرض يصعب التخلص منه ولكن افضل شىء هو ان تملأ قلبك بى حب لله و رسوله

The hardest things........

When you try to do the best for someone just to show Him /Her that How much you loved and you still do that , when that person need something ...and you promiss to that person you will do that easy thing however you do it but then something wil going wrong and you couldnt do it ...therefore that person you love will Do not believe you at all and never trust you , how is that Terrible. you wil hate your life more then before because you couldnt show how much you love that person by easy thing and say I am not Luckly ... feel depressed cuz you couldnt show that Love by easy way.I am sure that person will think of Lied you get hurt from that person. He or she will think you are just playing and would hurt you more and more , You will lose the trust .What you can do after that???.....................

شـــــــــــــجرة لــــــــــــوز

اورق اشجار بحيرات ازهار كل شىء فى هذة حياة لة لون وكل لون لة معنى ...كل شجرة لوز عند فصل الربيع تحمل لون ابيضا جميل الذى يحمل معنى السلام و الخير و النقاء .. لدى شجرة لوز ذكرة جميلة عندى او علامة مميزة فى قاموس ذكرياتى . مزراعة بـــــاتى الحاج تميزت بااشجار لوز الكثيرة فى فصل الربيع عندم كنت اذهب الى هناك تكون المزرعة قد تغطات بالون ابيض مثل عروس التى ترتدى فستان زفافها ابيض الجميل ... وليس فقط الابيض بل الودرى الهداء... تتسقط تلك الوردات البيضاء على طريق وتغطى المكان كلة اجمل منظر فى حياتى كلها . كان فى كل منزل امامة شجرة لوز ... عندم كنت صغيرة قد كنت اقطف لوز قبل نوضجية ... لست انا فقط كنت افعل هذا بل جميع والغريب بان نحبوا لوز نينة .. يوجد بعض من اولد خالى و خالتى يحبوا ان ياكلوا القشور ...مزالت انتذكر شجرة يالى قدم حواش امى عايشة وامى سكينة .. نذكر زمان ولد خالتى كان ديمة فوق شجرة لوز ..مرة جدى شافة مش حا تصور شنو يومها .... نذكر كانة انحبوا نلعبوا تحت شجرة لوز يالى قدم حواش امى سكينة .ومرة لقاء و لد خالتى حمامة مريضة فحول ان يساعدها بس ماصار شىء متت الحمامة و دفنها تحت شجرة لوز كانة انحبوا انجمعوا لوز واجد .... نذكر زمان كانة نلعبوا تشا بى قشور لوز وتحت شجرة لوز مايحلش الا لعب ....... من ورد شجرة لوز نذكرة كنت اندير فى اكليل ورد بس ديمة كان يخرب منى كان وراء روشان دار امى سكينة فى شجرة لوز كنت انحب نرقد فيها واجد فى صباح لم انوظ انشم بنتها مزراعة كانت اميزة بى شجرها الواجد ولله يرحمة باتى حاج كان يحب الشجرة واجد حتى انا انحب الشجرة واجد فى اى شجرة انحب انبحت فيها و تاخذنى الى عالم تانى من خيال .. كل شجرة لوز غادى كانت تحمل ذكرة عندى و سر وكان الشجرة بنطق رهوا تكلام و قالت على كل ذكرة ...انا اليوم لم طلعت لى جامعة ومشيت فى شوراع مانشستر كان فى الون واجد من اشجار بس ماكانتش و لا وحد فيهن تسوى حاجة عندى بس يمكن الونها ذكرتنى باشجار لوز يالى مزراعة باتى الحاج . يمكن انا فى كل مدونة لزم نكتب عليها لان فعلا اشتقت لى مكان هذا واجد يمكن انى لو نقدر نرجع زمان الى وراء و انعيش لحظات هذى مرة تانية ..انا عارفة يمكن تغيرت اماكن فيها وزدات حاجات ..جاء فيها ناس تانينة فيها بس ناس هذوم مش عارفين قيمة مكان هذا شنو ........ صورتة مزالت فى عينى ...........ومشتاقة واجد لى مكان هذا مشتاقة لى لامة مع بعضنا لى ضحك لى لعب ..لم استطع ان احبس دموعى و قد اشتقت كثيرا. الى تلك اشياء الصغيرة .المشكلة بان نعرف بان الذكرة لا تعود مرة اخرى ولان لكل زهرة مصيرها الذبول وذكرة تدوم.. ولكن عندم اعود الى هنالك اول مكان ح نمشيلة هى مزراعة بـــــــــــاتى حاج قيمة مكان هذا غالية و لاتسوى كنوز الدنيا ..لم استطع ان احبس دموعى عندما جاءت صورة هذا مكان فى خيالى و عقلى كانى اعرف بان هذا لن يحصل مرة تانية بان كل شىء تغير بس الحمدلله عشت فية اجمل ايام حياتى غادى ...ولله يرحم اصحابها يالى عاشوا فيها

WiNd, RIAN and Cold

( That was My day ... I felt cold inside my heart, rian In my eyes and wind in my feeling...I was like the winter wearther ....My heart got Gray Color like Manchester streets even if there are colours but all of them No true ...I could see my shadow walking alone with out me in this gray street like it would leave Me alone , would to leave me and find anther person could not hurt his self or her self . last night I saw the light of the Moon but couldnt feel there is stil hope in my life like just going to pass anything without feel that... I could hear the wind in my feel cold in my heart but No rain ..Why I dont know...I need to feel warm , Lought big loudly) .. In this Morning I went to doctor to cheak how is my shoulder going bad or better ...It was good but When I moved in the back it would hurt me .. he said it wil take time I just I ve to take tablets on time...I didnt sleep last night at all ..I wake up early I went to Uni then to doctor I Back early to home just to sleep but I didnt .....................................................Until Now

I feel guilty

I dont know what I have done now ...I am just feeling guilty right now ....I couldnt describe my feeling. It was first time I ve done that .. it wasnt me to do that someone elsa I dont know who was it but it wasnt me but I worried what will happen after that ?... would you blema for that mistake? If that what you can do, you can.. but do not even think I meant that, ye rab when I tryed to fixed things, something wil going wrong ... Why we should break everything we have been bulit in one secound ? how stupid that feeling ... GUILTY GUILTY

I Hurt My self....

I just Hurt My self everyday , Minutes and scouend. I dont get hurt from people around me but I do hurt my self , why do I have to do that every time ?!! I cant understand that at all ... I remembered what My teacher said to me when I was at Libyan school that time we were talking about people heart and why some people hate each other , and talked about Love bettween boys and girls and wgich way is good for them if they be in love but we talked about General Love , and how people hurt each other ,,, he said muslim heart can be good just by read Qrawan ..by lOve allha and Mohammed (sallha allha 3leahi wa slam) and he said how to forgive who hurt us ? ! I was to interesting to talked about that. he said one point about me ..he said ( Hana`s heart doesnt know how to hate or hurt any one ,,even if someone hurt her she wouldnt like to hate that person) I asked him that Is that Mean I am weak ? so I couldnt take My revenge .. he said No person like you could take her revenge but in civilized way ...your HEart could Love all people and you wish all peole love each other..... What he had talken True but his words made me think of my self soo much ..I know I dont hate anyone even If there is some people hurt me ..I dont Know if I love them Or hate them but I dont like to hurt them I just stay away from them and live my life without them like they not in this life..however One of my best cusin said that to me as wel but he said If I hate someone My heart would never back like before and I would like to hurt my self ..but Now I hurt my self I do not hate anyone but people do hurt me when I care about them ....what hurt me is I can not stop that ... I would like to live my life without pain ,hurt and MISSING.

بـــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــــاتى الحــــــــــــــــاج

احيانا قد يشعر الانسان بانها يحتاج الى الاشخاصا قد ذهبوا الى بعيد ولن يعود مرة اخرة .. وقد يتمنى بان يعيش معهم مرة اخرة فى عهدهم ..والغريب بان لكل رجل زمان و لك زمان رجل ولكن قد يدوم هذا زمان الى رجل واحد وهذا ما اشعر بية نحو احب شخصية عندى بعد رسول علية صلى و سلم ...... قد احببت ان اكتب عن هذا شخص الذى لن ارى شخصا مثل شخصيتة و لا هيبته ذلك الرجل الذى قد بدا حياته من الصفر والله سبحانة و تعالى قد رزقة من عندها وقد عاش طفولتة يتيمنا .هو رجل قبلي شهم وشجاع وثري وتحصيله التعليمي بسيط. قد كانت اجمل مافى شخصايته الشجاعة التى لم ارى ولم اسمع مثل شجاعتة من قبل وهو الرجل الذى عرف بالحزم وعدم التردد,, قد احببتة كثير وتمنتة بان يعلم كم احبة وكم تمنيت ان لله يطول من عمرة و صحتها ولكن مامن انسان يعيش الى ابد كلنا سوف نموت وترجع ارواحنا الى لله سبحانة وتعالى ...عندم كنت صغيرة اسمع بانه قد جاء او اسمع صوتة قلبى يرتجف قبل جسمى و اختباء هذا لم يكن يحدث لى فقط بل كان يحدث الى جميع احفادة .مزالت اتمن بانى عشت زمانه الاول مثلا ما عاش ابناء خالتى الاولين ..لم اجد كلمات اعبر فيها عن ماد اعجبى و حبى لة ... احيانا اتمن بانة لا يزال على قيد الحياة وبصحة وا قول اذا كان هو حيا و بصحة جيدة حياتنا سوف تكون افضل ......يقال بان الاموات يعلمونا ما يشعرو بينا ...اتمن بانه يشعر بيا الان وبانة يعرف بانى احبة حبا كبيرا واتمن ان اكون مثلا شجاعتة و كرامة ....اقسم بانى لن ارى رجل مثلة هذا رجل قد بناء لنا حياتنا لم تكن مثلا حياة اى اشخاص .. جعلا لنا عائلة كبير و يفتخر المرء بان يكون منها .......لم استطع الكاتبة الان لا اعرف لماذا ولكن اعرف بان الكلماتى غير كافية لة ...مكانة فراغ ولن يستطيع احد ان يكون مثلة .احيانا اتمن بان اتزوج رجل مثلة ولكن من الصعب حصول على شخصا مثلة ...زمان كان يحب بان ان ناديه باسم بــــاتى الحاج ..لله يرحمة كلة شىء جعلة مميز فى اعيننا المزراعة بنتها و شجرها الونها منزال الاربعة الة قديش انحبهن هنا الاربعة ....لله يرحمك يا باتى الحاج تعبت و شقيت فى هل الدنيا وخيراك امغرقنا لعند اخرة يوم فى عمرنا... لله يرحمك و يسامحك وانتلقوا فى الجنة ان شاءلله

كريـم يابـرقٍِِِِِ لمـع بـراقـه
عيني تخيله والقـدم ماجاتـه
النفس خضـرا للهوى تواقـه
لاهبها الغربي علـى نفحاتـه
يافل ياريحـان مـدري باقـه
قلب الشقى ولعت في مشكاتـه
ارحم ترى ماعاد فيّـه طاقـه
وقت السعد يوخذ على حزاتـه
جتك المشاعر مبهله منساقـه
الحب اله ذوقه ولـه سجاتـه
ترى الهوى للعالـم العشاقـه
اما التفت والا خفوقـي هاتـه
لاقلت عطني من هواك اذواقـه
لاتمنع الشفقان مـن مشهاتـه
ياطلة ايـام العمـر واشراقـه
ياعشق طاروقـي وياكسراتـه
ياكل شعري والقلـم واوراقـه
ياصوتي المبحـوح يانبراتـه
بغا يطير القلب مـن معلاقـه
ساعت لمحت البرق من وجناته
في ماقفٍ يحكم علـي افراقـه
يومه تبسم وانحنـت نظراتـه
ماجـور ياقلـبٍ فقـد براقـه
ماتمـت الفرحـه ولامشهاتـه

beauitful day make me happy even when I am sad

It was really beatiful day .. all this week was beauitful weather No cold No rain how was that Nice. I finished early today Bryan didnt come so we cancel that lesson , I told my mates we should go out to cuz it is really nice weather to go out so we went out to city cinter when we were out I could see people happy and smiling how is that nice in the way I had ice cream ... when I was at piccadlly garden it was full , I met up some of my freinds who was with studying with me last year all the way stopped and say slam cuz most of them out ..Tom met his freinds and Introduced me to his freinds they were quite good , we satyed at park and there was alots of people who was playing footbal and who was sleeping on grass ..( Tom is English boy older then me about two years he is about 22 years sometimes he be soo nosy ... all the girls like him cuz he is really gentalman and handsome the Good thing of him he respect my Religious , he always helping me and doesnt like to see me sad and try to do th e best just to see my smile however he is soo funny and good joker, he got blond but now he changed to black and got blue eyes his stright and somtimes do spiky ) ... I do really happy cuz I ve friend like him . After that I left him with sara and his friends I back to home with my smile ............

I nearly burst .....

there is nothing words to write.. I am just dont know any thing , I am killing my self every day every moment there is no any answer for my Questions hopfully I try to answer them but I couldnt ... I am just walking away from the that .. long life and long stories it could be hared to write but I dont know where I am going .

Missing

every moment I missing .. every second I can see my tears thoes days I miss libya soo much , I know most of people wil say how you stupid to miss libya you are in England .. I am in the first world and they in third world but that third word is My home and country .. there is where I was born there was my first smile there was my frist happeiness ... I had call and this call pain me soo much it was from someone I forget every moment I had it .. I dont know why and how he was calling me I dont want to get hurt any more I want live my life with this heart in slam ...I know he tryed to not hurt me but he was remind me about my first year in England I hate this year.. he talked words I dont want to listen it agien it was lia like any lia before .. I told him to stay away from me .. he asked me If have someone in my heart , I told him that I ve my own life . he just tryed and talked I wouldnt like to listen to him I just said stop talking and I wil cloes the phone ,,, I told him that you two I had just hurt from the both so go away ... he said I knew we did that .. and I am sorry .. I cant axspet that sorry .. I cloes phone then at the moment I need one person to cry on his shoulder ...I sat down crying I put my baby pic and cryed with talked to pic like I want telling him what pain me like what I did before when we were talking about my pain ... I need that person more then ever I would like to what pain me I would like to say I need you do not go ...and I still do ......

before I sleep I put His Picture On

alawys before I sleep look at his Picture and talkeing with it ... I know that stupid thing but I couldnt do nothing for that .. I stil have same feeling .. it wouldnt change , every moment I missing that it really nice feeling when you know some loves you but the most hurt thing when you are just a victim for him ,, I couldnt hate him cuz he stil live in my heart it could be strenger feeling and hard to explanation . wllahai I am dying every moment I can not do any thing for that, when he be lia I knew it that he lia and he didnt mean that especially when he said I am then you .. we back and talked an hour then he moved Conversation like he want run away from something I get that ... and I left every thing and see what he will saying ...nothing and left Conversation and before that we talked about about someone her looked like me , he said when I saw her I was Surprise how she looks like you it copy from you .. so it was time to finiesh we said goodbye and see ye 2morr , I knw that I wil not see him 2morro and that what happened ..I didnt sleep at all I was thinking of his words and look when he saw her ... I didnt stop of thinking of that .. any way we left that . Monday came and it was very nice day sunshine and warm day how was beautiful that day .. I can see the smile of people in thir feac .. Sara caled me about 10:00am she told me they waitting for me in garden , In that day I change My Clothes 100 times finllay I choesed one nice. I met them at garden alots people were there ... they was happy and doing things .. most of them playing football and sleeping On Grass .Sara, I and Tom were sating On Grass One women came to us and asked us to if she can take photograph for us . we said yes you can I didnt feac camer, after that I told them I ve to go to bank to Cancel my Insurance , I told them to stay at garden cuz I wil back .. I went to bank I talked to Staff .. one of the staff didnt stop talk in nothing all his talk was about weather and how it nice and it is Spring .. I finiesh and I met Tom and Sara we went to Uuni after the Lesson finished we went to cinter Library I stayed there all my time to study , Tom went with his girlfriend and sara stayed with me , I like cinterLibrary the building it An old and historic the light so Romantic the wall of the Library like ring has Old writen on it. I was happy when I seen sunshine and people around me smiling there is Embarrassing thing when you see girlfriend and boyfriend kissing like I am watching English film and there is one thing made me happy as wel Tom said to me I can see light in your eyes and Sara as well said that , I lought I told them I feel like I want fly but scared to Fall down .. I dont care how many times I fall down but each times I tryed to fly I feel happy and scerad but Never give up cuz I stil have my heart even if I get hurt ....Asma called me , she wants me to go with her I said okk but I ve to asked mum first , mum said ok but I ve to back to house first I back to there I tld mum how is the weather nice and how many people there , I ate something then I left house and met her at bus stop we went to hospital after that I told her I want see your father to teach me something ,, she said ok we met her father at Library .. I cant Descrip how is her father is Educated I never seen man like him he knows every thing about Religion ,Science , Geography,Politics every thing in this world. when I listening to him I be Interesting ..when he talked about Chemistry it carry with it Religion . I wish have half the information he got it them ..they invie me to thier house I said sorry I cant but I wil do it soon .. it was late time about 10:00pm I arrived .. I tOld mum about every thing ,I wen to my room open my email I just saw zaza and Nuna onlime I chat with zaza then she is gone .. sara called me askes me if i finish study or not I told her not yet .. Sara is half Iranan and English she lived half her life in London and choes Manchester to study at Uni every hoildays he going to London , however I talked to Nuna .. I told her I want see Essam and Dawod soon thoes my cusins I love them but we have problem with my uncle ,,I feel sorry about that any way I didnt sleep that night at all I ve to finish my work I finished sbout 3 am.

weekend

the Morning came , all night I was thinking of thoes words and if it was last night or there is more night and then gone like any before anyway I left my bed and went to bathroom when I was washing my Face I looked in Mirror I felt like how is stupid feeling that I washed my face agein like I want to wak up bUt I couldnt , I cryed to much cuz in Mirror I saw that face , why I alwys see that face in My face there was No answer. The Night before I was praying for allha and saying ye help me ye hive me what I want. I prayed Morning when I finieshed I ask allha to help me cuz I want this pain to finiesh. we had breakfast , Mum was angry from me cuz I didnt eat well however I left table i was in Bad Mood I wouldnt like to talk to anyone therefor I went to my Room to clean it after that I sat and put my head between papers to study I didnt stop at all my sisters was bring to me Juice in all my peapers I was Drawing My sister like what I draw it she said that it is lunch time you can come to eat ,, we had lunch it was (Makrona ambo7`a ) after that I watched Tv then back to study I give up from studying so I opened My email there was Nuna Online and Zaza , Zaza started to chated with me and send to me about Lucky day , after that I felt like I want to listen to Old song I was listening when I was child it called Watan ye watan .. how was nice this song when I found I send it to Nuna , she said why did remmeber this song and then she asked why things do remmber when you were child .. ? Ohh that was interesting Question , I started to remmeber .............................................there was alots of things to ..... I and Nuna we same thing We LOved ...it is My grandfather Farm or we called it ( bati el7g farm) we remmber how was the way long and we get tired and we remmber the Smell of the farm , it really was beauitful days we had , there is some thing pain me soo much mybe I would like to write about it cuz iy hurt me soo much and I cant 4get that ... when my uncle from father side slap my face how is that hurt No the slap but Internal pain , I stil feel that pain until Now . how I cryed that day ..I hope can I forget that but I can ont forget who hurt me without any Reason, I hate that day soo much all of them was in garden . I waish can I give to him back slap unil now I would like to give to him same slap , it was sunny day and Eid day I was 16 old years , I was shouting and screming I wont to run away from their houes ,I back to our flat and I didnt stop cry My uncle`s wife came to Us like she would like to say sorry but I wasnt Like that sorry cuz I knew it she didnt mean that ... next day my uncle came to our falt and said sorry and kissed my head I wouldnt like he do that to me cuz I stil want to take my Revenge. leave from that I start to cry now , we talked to Nuna and we remmber and remmber ..... at the moment it coming now I was happy but sceared beauiful words or lia I dont know but I was happy cuz what I ve in My heart it true and clean .... I never falt like before sometimes I feel Guilty cuz I give to my self resason for lia .. and said that happened cuz care about me and loves , I am so confeuse I can not do any thing just pray to allaha ye rabi help me .. to ve that for ever in my Life like what it Have me ...I slpet and waiting ... but I knw that it wil came agien .....even when said I want you so I wil back

friday night

I back from Uni I was angry when I get in house I dont know why but I feel like I hate everything that wasnt resons to feel that , I had good day at Uni just Tom wasnt In at the morning then he came at afternoon so was normal thing , I went to my room I stayed there Sometimes I feel like I hate My room soo much , I had to do shower cuz doctor bath is good for my shoulder , I still feeling angry but I knw there is one thing can makes me happy but it is too far from me after that I opened My labtop I cheaked My emill , I chated with zaza I told her what I am feeing.( Nuna and Zaza are soo cles form me sometimes I feel nuna is part of me cuz we have same things we loved) howeve I went down to eat something all my family slpet I needed something to eat thoes dayz I alawys feel hungry I went to kitchen I looked in Fridge I took cronfalaks and Milk and My Favorite cup I mixed them and I sat on chair still feeling angry and hate life after that I back agein to Fridge I took 2 Yogurt after finiesh them I back to my room it was about 11:50 pm I lay on the bed looking around what wil happen to me . In this Moment something came On , My heart start to beats quickly and My tears come into my eyes , I needed that person soo much , there is fact words saying What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made u cry? In the first I wouldnt like to talked cuz I had soo much pain and I scik from that but My heart stil same No change even I Had Hurt and I cant live without Air. therefor I talked and asked me about if what happened to right oR not and didnt blive that , I was looking at Picture I couldnt hide my tears.I just had pain and Hurt but I was happy at this moment cuz I was missing and that missing hurt me so much I was just listening and said if like to shout at me do it just for me shout I couldnt do that cuz I know that it wouldnt work.... told me that I miss you ... the Conversation was moving on but it wasnt form me fro ather side there . I know why the Conversation did moved cuz feeling guilty when it spoke with me like it wouldnt like to countine that and try to run awy from that , after finiesh kissed me and gone. I was happy cuz I miss it every moment but sceard cuz I know that Happiness I will lose it after one day or two days but I was liaing to myslef two timestalked in the mounth will be fine just to make my self happy and do not be Shocked, I slept with scared.

Today ....

Today I had HOilday from exams I selpt like I wont to wake up agien , I wont to see any thing I wont to write or talk I wont to Love , I just I want to cloes My eyes But I couldnt do that I wake up about 10.00 am , I had shower then I prayed, I went to kitchen I made Nescafe to my self and I took some ( BREOSH ) sweet bread , I went to the garden to see the weather if it is nice , the weather was quite cold the sun was hideing but the light was not , I went in to watch Tv put Jassear to see whats happend to the world ,it was nothing interesting how ever I saw news peaper there was One interesting headline it was about sport talked about United they winer yestarday , the house was emty all of them was at school , I went to my room I looked At My mobile I had 5 missed call from my friend Asme , I texted her to call back , she asked me to go out if I am not buzy , I said to her I am not buzy I think I can go with you , I asked Mum and she said ok you can , I told her to come to my house until to get ready , when I was getting ready I put some music sometimes I feel guilty to listen to them , I put song ( 7`las ye dom3i) stop my tears. Asma came to my house I opened to her door I asked her to give me a moment cuz I vent finiesh wearing my colthes , I told mum to stay with her , I weard my clothes , when she saw me she said you always model , how ever we went I asked mum if she need any thing from out side and she said No thankx ,I told Asma shall we go to park to walk there cuz I love walking , after walking we took Bus , we went to restaurant to have lunch , she asked me about my life how was going thinks like that , when we were talking my mobile ring ,I answerd it was sroor called to asked me to go with her as wel I told her to come with us but dhe wouldnt cuz she was so far away from us , the restarant was FuLL , when we were eating there is some of friends we knew them came into restourant most of them was suprisesed cuz of saw me long time No one saw me they thought I left Manchester and Live in anther city cuz of Uni , when I was eating in ever min I was thinking of mum cuz she likes to eat in this reataurant , Asma satart to talked about Married and asked when I wil married and If I ve some one in my heart , I told her I am like any girl dream of her widding but not now , she asid My dad liked you and he wants you to my uncle I lought I said you did it like Abdul done to me , (Abdul I am older then him about 2 years , I was teaching him in chamsty and he was telling me every thing about his life he is good boy , and he really likes me cuz of that he wont me to be in his family and when his auncle came to England his family came to propoes me , it was supriesd me that ) any way I told Asma No I am not thinking of marred now cuz it stil Long way I told her one key word If I want to marred I would like to marry one from bengahazi . she tryed to changed my mind but she couldnt , after that I had missed call from libya it was my cusin from mum side , she said to me you so cloes from the I said yes I love them . I told her about my aunti 3aziza I said I cant live one day with out chat with them . after that I had to met soroor , so we had to go . she said to me I ve to go cuz she had meeting with doctor I told her ok see you and she rimind me about anther meeting when I finesh My exams , I huged her to say bye cuz here in England we huged No kissing like libya . in that moment Tom came that was really supries me cuz that was Nice Coincidence , he scared me first cuz he was behaind me I told him what you doing here , are follow me or what he said No at that time Asma stil with me she was wondering who is that I told her he is my mate , she said he is cute and handsome I cant say he is not cuz he really handsome and model guy , I told her I be happy when he walked with me in Uni cuz he is handsome LOL. he said to me I waitting for Bus to go to city center to met his freinds there , Asme said bye to me agein and huged as well , I was waitting for bus as well to go to city center to met soroor , we took about and get in we were talking and joking he said I am happy to see you lought I told him dont be jealous cuz my smile more beautiful than yours he said No you got ugly smile that was joke his bus was nearly and he gett out from the bus , some libyan guys get in the bus they didnt stop talking alloud like they want to let me know we ar libyan then I had to gett out from the bus they were behaind me they were saying words to me long time I didnt hear it , I went stright way I called sroor to ask her where she is , she said I am in the bank , I told her I wil wait for you in the piccadilly garden , she said okk when I went to there I sat in the where I had my best call my beat beatiful words I remmeber them , I startd to tremble , I wasnt tremble cuz Of cold but I was tremble to remember the words , how was nice that feeling. sroor came to me we huged and walked and talked I told her what Asma said to me , she was agree with me cuz it stil long way for me to marrd cuz I stil crazy lol. we talked and had drink , she was missing libya , she told me she want to back to there this summer I told her she has to do that to change her mind , the weather was cold and sun hideing but i could see the light of sun , I felt tired and scik , how ever I arrived her to bus stop and said goodbye to her. I walked alone in the street see how people walkin , all of them have diffrent life and hurt , I gett in to the bus it was full , when I was wallking in the street to home there was black car stopped and called my name I was scared who was that , it was my freind fom Uni , she Get new car ,, she said to me waht I will doing for tomorr friday I said No idea , she went and I arrived at hom talked to mum she was tired and scik she asked me how was my day I told her every thing axspet What Asma said to me about marred , cuz I know she think in anther way , I prayed after that went downt to watch mosllessl in the (Raia chanel) I sat and wach it . I opened my email but No one was online I missed nuna she wasnt online , after that I talked to my freind in libya by email , she was sad cuz of her boyfriend i tred to made her happy but it is not between my hand , theose boys alawys like to hurt us , It stil early to sleep , all of them at thier room , Amy at libyan school , I am writing , I am nearly finieshed I ve to go to pray el 3sha.

Accident Last Two Weeks

In one moment you could lose your life , she was never thinking that could happeded to her , she was thinking about her Lover there , and she was thinking about his hurt words when he said and how could he did that , she lost her mind and heart , she could live her life without Love but she wil live Emty life without him how ever she couldnt sleep last wednseday was thinking of his words the most hurt word she had ever hear it before I AM NOT YOURS. that words hurt her so much. how it hard when you broked your heart. she went to her Uni , she sat in her chair like ant normal day she was looking to there No Place was there she was thinking of few words that was Only Thing hurt her. her freinds around her she couldnt her them , they were loughing and she was smiling like she wont to ant one saw her pain, the time passed too slow. her best friend visted her at Uni , she try to asked her whats wrong but she wouldnt like to tell any one . In the Moment they were walking in the street when they were waitting for green Man in the Traffic lights she crossed street without her Mind it was there two cars drived very fast in Highway One of the cars was crossing the highway It was like cricle she was in the middeld of them one of the driver trid to stoped and ther ather driver couldnt stopped the car crush her fome lift side , she Felled down and stand in the same Time . she was standing like nothing happend to her her friends was shouting and screming she couldnt her them , she was listen to One Words I am Not YOURS but she was saying I Am YouRs even your not ,she felled down Agein. people came around her , SoSO start to Cry ,she thought she was dying but she didnt . police came in One Min like they were behind the door. the Emergency came took her all thought she dying but she was dying inside her feeling. after an hour in hospital she wake up like nothing happend to her. when she saw her friend , she cryed and said I dont wont to die befor to saw him and touch him for last time If I die would he lose one tear for me , her freind cried as well cuz she thought of she wil lose her for ever. after that the doctor came and talked to her and said nothing happend to axspet ur shoulder we wil fix it and u wil get better soon , she was saying in her mind I wil get better soon what about the pain in my heart when I wil get better soon . the doctor took her to do x ray to her shoulder. soso father with satying with her in hospiatl cuz of her father wasnt in England this time. they wouldnt like to tel her mum they only called her brother he came with hid friend , he was worried about her she saw tears in his eyes , doctor came and said she wil be fine The psychological state of her is bad. soso father called her father and told him , in this time she was thinking of die. she satyed at hospital about 15 hours then let her out but the doctor said she has to back every day to chak out of her shoulder , she was asking about her phone where is it her freind said your freind broked but hte sim card stil work. back to her home all the way was thinking af die. she said strenger word I would KIll one person befor I die . when her mum saw her , she was superised and cryed , she said to her mum I am allright nothing happended to me . she went to her room look at pictures like she want to say goodbye to them, she got too much hurt , she was thinking of him. her mum said do not tell any one about it , but there is a few people already knew it, how ever she wouldnt like to talke with any one but she stil in love with him but she will keep that in her broken heart , she wil nevr showing that at all ,, he Loves her or he was loving her but we dont know what matter ? the ponit of this story that LOVE could be lose for few words we dont know why and how but we know we got hurt from that . Can we hate who we loved can we kill them by love , Love is like sea we will drowing in it and see different world in diffrent eyes witout life u will feel emty. this story hurt too much thatz why i wrote it . I feel like it is part of me but in different way

Without ThinkIng ..

I ve exams this Mounth and I did some of them However I did wel but only one exam I didnt do well like what I want I was just cilck on the cricle without thinking I was thinking about there ,,,when I finiesh the exam sheet my toutor asked me how was the exam Without thinking I said I done well but I was lia , I dont know why I Said that to my self but my toutor he was talking about and I dont know what he was talking about I was just listening without thinking about what he was saying then he said are you ok I said yes I am he said your eyes has tears in it I said I Am just Tired , he said yes I can see that when I was standing Tom came and asked what I have done in the exma I Said yes I done well , then he asked me to go with him to Coffe to drink some thing I went with him all the way he was talking but I wasnt listen to him I was just listen to my self ,after that he stoped me and asked if I am ok I told him yes I am ok he said why you didnt smile at all 2day in this moment when he said that he made me thinking about that there is people care about our smile, even If there are different traditions and religious that mean there is Relationship between All people as we are humans. However when we arrived at coffe we saw sara was waiting for us she asked same thing about exam and how was it. we had drink toghter and they were talking about how we will spend the weekend the asked if I would like to go with them I said No cuz I ve alots things to do and I ve to study for anther exams. when were siting it was the time to go to anther lesson , Tom was stil want to know why I am quite. I told him that I am ok just I need some of rest. we had experiment to do all the experiment he was try to made me smile, when we were Measuring the Sample he spoke to me so Quietly and said Life Goes on do not wast your life Of thinking on nothing thoes words went into my heart and mind on the same time. when We finiesh the lesson we went out in the garden and we had lunch there the boys were playing football the weather was nice to play I was sitting watching them in this moment Arabic guy came to me he called Ahmed asked me if he can sat with me I said yes , Tom came fast when he saw him talked to me. we talked toghter and then he left us Tom said to me I think that guy likes you I smiled and I said I dont care. we walked and Tom all the way was talking about his girlfrend and how he missd her. that pain me so much cuz I Missing people there . he asked me strenger questions and made me lought when he asked he said is Love allowed for muslims girl !!! I said yes 1000 % allowed for them but in diffrenet way. It was time to go home I said bye to them Sara Asked me If I wil come On Monday I said YEs I will come, I went to home all the way in the Bus I was thinking ,,, how Hurt that when you find about some thinking and I couldnt find I can hear My voice all the nosy around me I couldnt hear it . I arrived at home talked to mum how I spent my day I hadnt my lunch cuz already Full .I sat and watch Tv after that I went to my room satying there and drink coffe I didnt sleep that night like I was waiting for something but that was dreaming, that was one of my days

MY day Has finiesh

I caN say my day was remmeding day cuz i was just siting and reading my litters sometimes I lought cuz was there alots of crazy things in them , I felt I miss them too much , I miss my school , I miss my freinds in libya , I was happy cuz when I left them I left to them with good things can remind me of them ,, however the world has change around me but even my heart doesnt change , I know now they have thier live and all of them start new things and new stories and funny things even me I ve new life when i came to England but I alaways remmeber them ,,I miss my freinds, I caled of my friends before she said to me we always remmeber u and how z funny things u were doing ,, I was happy when I heard that ,,After I finiesh My litters ,,My brother and sis came from libyan school and we had lunch my mum made to us BAZEN it was nice but I eat the soup of it ,, after that I went to my room and all my thinking was in the past i was just thinking of my freinds , I start to study but I didnt feel well cuz all my think was there in libya I wasnt just think of my friends but I was thinking of someone is there ,, After that I went down my mum said to me bring with u our pics from libya i Brought and we looked one of my Fevrouite pics was with my uncle ,, and another one was with my cusin Caled Asma , she was like my sis but she get marrid and have son ,, there are alots of pics when we was in my grandfather farm I love thoes pics or act I love the farm , I love it soo much it is my Home it is part of me , I had nice time there , that farm has Special smell special Life that farm has warm-heartedness I wil decribe that farm in anther time , I know that I left behind me Good things and Human life is only Note, see ya in anther blogs

Sunny DAy

today was sunny day , it was really nice weather without raining , I was MIssing the sunshine long tim I havent seen The sun , I wake up about 12, my sis wake me up she was soo anyoung ,but when she opend the window the light of the sun came into my room thatz made me eneger to start new day , I went downstaits the breakfast was areadly made we had breakfast with dad , mum , and Oma my brother and litter sister was at libyan school, after that I had to clean my room , my sis and mum at that time went to city cinter , and I stayed at home i went out to the garden i Brought with me my littler box, it had alot of Letters from my friends in libya I was siting in the garden and i started to read them , when i read them I felt happy and sad at the same time i was listening to our songs that we had togther and that made pain to me I dont know why when we remmeber som thing we had before made us pain and hurt , anyway my day hasnt finiesh yet but I write at the night now my anoyoung sis came and she soooo anyounging now, be back